


Hanging On?

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, Episode: s05e05 Constituency of One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-13
Updated: 2004-04-13
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: PostConstituency of One.  A closer look at how Josh is really coping after the Carrick fiasco.





	Hanging On?

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Hanging On?**

**by:** Beth Green

**Character(s):** Josh; Donna; Leo; Toby; and a bit of Amy farewell  
**Category(s):** Drama  
**Rating:** CHILD  
**Summary:** Set in the current season, post "Constituency of One."  A closer look at how Josh is really coping after the Carrick fiasco.  
**Author's Note:** Many thanks to Nat for the invaluable beta work.  She helped me to take an introspective Josh piece and turn it into an actual story.  Any remaining mistakes belong to me.  
**Disclaimer:** The new & improved v. 4.0

WARNING: Any resemblance to persons living or dead in this story is purely coincidental. (Yeah, right!) No animals were harmed in the writing of this fic.  However, the same may not be true of the fictional characters.  Contents under pressure.  Not recommended for persons with sugar-restricted diets.  Fat free; the calories, you have to pay for.  No preservatives added.  Shake well before using.  All rights reserved; the lefts, I may consider sharing.  May cause drowsiness.  Allergy alert: not recommended for those afflicted with insensitivity.  Return for refund where applicable.  Not labeled for individual sale.  Caution: this product has caused some laboratory rats to leap tall buildings in a single bound faster than the human eye can see.  Not recommended for children under two years of age.  May cause irritability or insomnia with prolonged use.  Do not remove under penalty of law.  So there.  


Donna Moss sat at her desk, staring at her boss' empty office.  She knew that he had an appointment with his therapist this morning, and thanked God for that fact.  Josh was normally a man of endless energy and constant motion.  If he was doing two things at once, he never minded taking on a third, fourth, or even fifth thing.  He just had a way of convincing people that he could do it all.  At least, that was the old Josh.

The new Josh frankly scared the hell out of her.  He was lethargic, listless, and dragged through his days on autopilot.  After Senator Carrick publicly castigated the White House and Josh Lyman in particular for the Senator's decision to change parties, Josh had become an outcast, a pariah.  No one would talk to him.  Oh, sure, they did plenty of talking _about_ him, most of it behind his back.  Josh was not stupid.  He was all too aware of what was going on.  Josh lived for the behind the scenes machinations that went into setting public policy and making laws, and the backroom deals and backstabbing that went along with it.  It was killing him to be the object of that backstabbing.  He had come as close as she could remember to losing his job.  Instead, Leo had chosen to downsize Josh's responsibilities. The Chief of Staff turned over the majority of the legislative issues to Angela, stating that the Senators refused to work with Josh.  

In losing the legislature, Josh seemed to also have lost his will to live.  Sometimes Donna wondered if it would have been kinder for Leo to have simply fired Josh.  It would've given her boss the push he needed to make a clean break and get a fresh start.  Then again, Donna knew Josh.  If he'd been fired, he might've simply walked out the door and in front of the nearest bus.  Donna shuddered at the thought.  She'd almost lost him once, after the shooting at Rosslyn.  In the aftermath of the shooting she had witnessed first hand his subsequent battle with post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.  This seemingly tough, invincible man had an ego that masked a terrible vulnerability.

It hurt Donna to watch him now.  Day by day, little by little, he seemed to be fading away.  He wandered the corridors of the White House an insignificant, ghost-like presence.  Instead of his previous habit of taking frantic meetings as he marched through the hallways, nowadays he seldom spoke to anyone in his daily walks.

Donna looked at her watch.  It was time for her meeting with Leo.  The fact that Margaret had called with a message that Leo wanted to see her and not Josh ratcheted up Donna's worry to a whole new level.  The only other time she had met privately with Leo in the past was to discuss Josh's PTSD.  Did Leo fear something similar was now affecting Josh?  She had to know.  Donna hurried her pace, as if that could speed the passage of time.  

Margaret waved her in.  "He'll see you now."

Donna paused a moment at the door.  Leo waved her toward a chair.  "Come in.  Have a seat."

He continued, "I called you in here to talk about you and Angela.  I've just given her the toughest job currently facing this White House: trying to hammer out a budget that actually stands a chance of being passed.  She's going to need all of the help she can get.  I need you to share everything you and Josh have worked on regarding budget issues with Angela.  I'm asking you to split your job between the two of them.  I know it's not an easy thing that I'm asking.  You're looking at putting in even more hours than you have been.  It's a tough job, but I know you can do it."

Donna had been only half-listening, having to do some quick mental reshuffling.  She had arrived at this meeting thinking that they were going to be talking about Josh's problems.  After listening to Leo for a few minutes, it occurred to Donna what he was trying to do.  Her half-smile was more an expression of disbelief than anything else when she spoke.  She raised her hand.  "Wait a minute.  Are you... Are you giving me a pep-talk?"

Leo blinked, and then nodded.  "Well, yes.  Yes, I am."

Donna could not help her snort of disbelief.  "Leo... Thank you, but I'm fine."  //A lot better than Josh// she wanted to add, but she managed to keep that thought to herself.

Leo gave a quick nod of acknowledgement.  "You're a valued member of this White House staff.  I think that you're more than ready for the additional responsibility.  Angela's expecting your call."

Donna couldn't help but be flattered by Leo's words.  However, she was not happy with her current assignment.  It should be Josh, not Angela doing this.  She began, "Don't you think that Josh..."

Leo cut her off.  "Josh and Angela both know their assigned roles in this.  I've given you yours."

Accepting Leo's dismissive words, Donna made her way slowly back to Josh's office, the spring gone from her step.  Her boss had arrived during her absence.  She found Josh in his office, staring out the window.  She took a moment to silently observe him, not liking what she saw.  He was pale and haggard-looking, with dark circles under his eyes that silently spoke of too many sleepless nights.

She forced a note of cheerfulness into her voice that she was far from feeling.  "Good morning, Josh."

He turned at the sound of her voice.  He answered her smile with a slight grin of his own.  "Donna.  I didn't hear you come in."

She nervously began to wave her hands as she spoke.  "Actually, I just came from Leo's office.  He wants me to... that is, with Angela and the budget..."

Josh turned his chair so that he was leaning against his desk.  He folded his arms along the desktop.  "Donna, Leo told me."  He gestured toward the door with a shrug of his shoulders and a nod of his head.  "Go on, help Angela.  At least one of us should be doing something useful."

Donna bristled at the defeated sound of Josh's voice.  She stepped to his desk, closing the distance between them, a distance that was more than physical.  She stomped her foot, then scolded, "Joshua Lyman, you are absolutely doing something useful.  The only reason I can help Angela at all is due to everything that I've been working on with you.  Leo might be using Angela to put a different face on things, but this part of the legislature is all Josh Lyman."

Josh couldn't help but smile.  He added, "Don't say that too loudly.  Some of the unresolved issues are very contentious.  If there are any further problems, I don't know that I really want to have someone attach my name to them."

Donna stopped, acknowledging the validity of Josh's comment.  "Well, okay.  All right, then."  She took a step back, gesturing toward the door.  "I'm just going to . . ."

Josh pointed at the door, finishing her sentence.  "...Go."  Much as he wanted to, Josh could not think of a legitimate reason to keep Donna in his office.  "I'll be fine.  If I need help with anything, Ryan will unfortunately be more than happy to provide it."  They both smiled at the reference to Josh's problematic intern, Ryan Pierce.

After Donna headed off to work with Angela, Josh spent a little while in his office indulging in a bout of self pity.  He knew that he could go through some of Donna's "What a Shame" files and do some actual work, but just couldn't muster the energy needed to do it.  The file folders sitting open on his desk were mere camouflage, strategically placed so that to the casual observer he would appear to be engaged in actual work.   His current inactivity was just feeding into his depression.  He remembered Stanley's suggestion that he try engaging in some form of physical activity as an alternative to obsessing over the things that he could not change.  It was the middle of the workday so he couldn't take off and go jogging.  He didn't have the energy for jogging, anyway.  If nothing else, he could always walk.

*****

Josh strode through the corridors of the White House, looking like a man on a mission.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  The sad fact of the matter was that, at this moment, Josh had absolutely nothing to do; although, he had no intention of sharing that fact with anyone.  He could've remained in his office, trying to look busy as he had been doing earlier this morning, but he was thoroughly tired of his own presence.  A year ago, under similar circumstances, he would've headed over to bother Sam.  Sam was his best friend, a man who could be counted on to relieve the tedium of even the most boring day.  Sam, however, was long gone, his image fading from most staffers' memories in the day-to-day frenetic pace of their chosen profession.  The young speech writer's image would never fade for Josh.  It was entirely possible that the two men would be separated for more than a few years.  It had happened to them in the past, and, although it made for a painful present, Josh found comfort in their shared history.  He knew that sooner or later they would reconnect.  They had the kind of friendship that would survive both time and distance.  At least, Josh tried to convince himself of that fact.  

Josh could've also amused himself by irritating Donna, but she was off fulfilling her new responsibilities as Angela's assistant.  The wherefores and whys surrounding Donna's absence were part of Josh's current problem.  Having been given no choice in the matter, Josh had initially agreed with Leo's decision to shift some of his responsibilities over to Angela in the wake of the Carrick debacle.  He had been expecting to be fired.  Therefore, losing part of his job was certainly preferable to losing the whole.

In the days that followed, Josh had been able to let go of some of his feelings of guilt regarding the whole situation.  At first he was close to panic at the thought of the impending collapse of his career.  Josh had made the mistake of becoming too comfortable in his job security.  He was basking in the glow of the successfully concluded campaign to reelect President Bartlet.  Josh had forgotten the basic rule of his life.  Whenever it seemed as if he were on top of the world, the Powers That Be would realize that he didn't belong there, and something would come along to knock his world off its axis.

When Leo had berated him for his failure with Carrick, Josh figured that it was no more than he deserved.  The thoughts and feelings that swirled in his head fed into his growing depression.  Josh felt that he did not deserve to be happy, so it was only right that unhappiness be thrust upon him.

Devastated, he'd gone to his therapist.  "Stanley, I don't know what I should do.  I've been stripped of what was the most essential part of my job.  I suppose that I should be thankful that I still have a job."

"And are you?"

Josh thought a moment before answering.  "No, I'm not."  He paused a moment before he continued.  "I guess all this is my fault."

Stanley jumped on the vague statement.  "You guess?  You're not sure?"

"I thought I was.  I mean, I thought I knew; that Leo knew..." Josh paused, trying to organize his thoughts.  "The thing is, Leo is my boss.  When it comes to something as important as handling a Senator, I don't just go off and do it on my own.  I consulted with Leo before I did my thing.  It's not like I had to actually say that there'd probably be some fallout from whatever I had to do.  I knew it."  Josh's next statement was uttered with a note of surprised discovery.  "Leo knew it too, probably better than anyone.  And yet, afterward, when he blamed me for the monumental failure surrounding the Senator's defection, I just went along with everything he said."

Stanley questioned, "Are you saying that you didn't try to defend yourself?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying."

When Josh did not continue, Stanley prompted, "Do you think that your actions were indefensible?"

Josh shook his head, a note of anger creeping into his voice.  "No, they weren't.  I chose not to stand up for myself."  He looked up at Stanley.  "And I should have."  Josh dropped his gaze to his folded hands, twisting them together in his lap.  "The thing is, Leo is more than just my boss.  He's..." Josh gave a slight laugh before he added to his description, "He's always been what I want to be when I grow up.  He's... I guess you'd call it a father figure."

"So, do you think that your reaction to Leo's censure might have been more as a son would react to criticism from his father, rather than how an employee would react to a superior?"

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm trying to say."  Josh winced.  "That was more painful than I thought it would be.  Leo's reaction really hurt me.  Honestly, I don't know how to act around him right now.  He's keeping me at arm's length."  Josh sighed.  "I suppose that's for the best.  It's just, in trying to gain some objectivity, I'm starting to feel a little bit like I've been appointed the scapegoat for this whole thing.  The fact that Leo's the one putting this on me..." Josh rubbed his hands over his face.  His voice quiet, he stated, "It hurts."

*****

The only thing that Josh had really decided after his latest session with Stanley was that he was too shaky emotionally to confront Leo at the present time.  Right now it was taking everything he had just to hang on and get through from one day to the next.  

It had taken a few sessions with his therapist to help Josh get things re-sorted in his mind, to get over his near-disintegration when his job went to hell.  Josh felt as if he'd been standing on top of a crumbling mountain of shale, his stomach clenching at the thought of the long descent until he painfully impacted at the very bottom when he fell.  Thank God, he'd been able to step back away from the edge.  It wasn't easy.  He was still climbing that pile of loose shale.  But, with Stanley's help, Josh was currently maintaining his balance.

Some days that was easier to do than others. Today definitely qualified as one of those 'other' days.  Josh was hoping that his stroll through the corridors of the White House would be sufficient to distract him from his thoughts.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  He thought again of Leo, the man he'd adopted as a surrogate father.  Leo had painfully revealed to Josh that first and foremost, they were Chief of Staff and Deputy Chief of Staff, respectively.  Leo had known of Carrick's Republican leanings before Josh ever took the man on as an opponent.  Neither Josh nor Leo should have been surprised at the outcome.  The surprise came in Carrick's decision to attack Josh personally.  Josh now had to live with the knowledge that Leo would sacrifice anything, including Josh, if he thought it politically expedient to do so.  Josh had spent many a restless night wondering if he could still work for the man.  In fact, all of his agonizing over the decision had been a waste of time and effort.  Once he stepped back from the edge of insanity, Josh realized that he could not envision himself doing anything other than his current occupation.  He supposed it was rather short-sighted not to plan for his future post-administration.  However, it took all of his personal energy just to deal with the here and now.

The here and now would be much easier to handle had Leo not seen fit to hand off some of Josh's job responsibilities to someone else.  Josh had tried to talk Leo out of doing so. He recalled the last conversation they'd had on the subject.  Josh's voice rose in anger as he declared, "It's never been my job to be part of the popular crowd.  My job is to see that the President's agenda is carried out by the Congressional Representatives on the Hill.  I know these people.  If there's any way to talk them around, I can do it.  You know as well as I do that there are some legislators who are totally beyond reason."

Leo rubbed his hands over his face, looking wearier than Josh could ever remember.  Leo finally responded in a quiet voice.  "This is partly my fault.  After Rosslyn, when the doctors first allowed you to come back to work, I never intended for you to take on all that you'd been doing before you got shot."  Leo, focused on making his point, did not notice Josh visibly flinch at the mention of Rosslyn.  He went on, "Did you know that it took three people - three! \- to do what you'd been doing all by yourself.  It's just, when you finally did come back, I was so relieved to have someone who could do the job without me having to explain over and over again what had to be done.  I let you take on everything you thought you could handle, just so I wouldn't have to deal with it."

Leo continued, "That Christmas, I knew I'd been wrong to let you take it all on again."  Leo folded his hands as if in prayer.  He looked at Josh, forcing him to hold his gaze.  "Honestly, you were so fragile at the time, I was afraid of what you'd do if I even hinted at the possibility of taking away some of your job responsibilities.  I knew I'd let you take on too much, but I couldn't think of how to fix it.  Hell, I couldn't fix it.  That's why I brought in Stanley.  Anyway, it was easier on my conscience to tell myself that I'd found Stanley for you, so everything was going to be all right."

Josh found that he was beginning to be swayed by Leo's argument.  He mentally scolded himself.  'No!  I'm letting myself get emotional about this.'  He gave himself a silent pep talk.  'Leo's wrong, and I know it.  I just need to figure out some way of telling him so without sounding as if I've completely lost what's left of my mind.'

Leo was looking at him expectantly.  Josh closed his eyes a minute, reining in his temper before he spoke.  He was only partially successful.  "All due respect, but I disagree.  If you're going to make me the scapegoat for the thing with Carrick, I wish you'd do me the courtesy of admitting it instead of trying to tell me that this is for my own good."

Leo sighed.  "Believe me or don't believe me.  If you want to think the worst of my motives, that's your choice.  It's not going to change the fact that I refuse to have you take on more than you should have to be doing.  No Deputy Chief of Staff in recent history has had to do the kind job that I let you take on at the beginning of this administration.  I made a mistake.  It's not your fault.  It's mine.  Deal with it."

Leo's last words were said with such finality that Josh knew that he would be wasting his breath if he continued to argue.  He rose to leave, but couldn't resist one parting shot.  His voice was heavy with sarcasm as he stated, "Gee, Leo, thanks for not firing me.  I'm going to go find some staff to supervise.  I think there's still some that didn't follow Sam out the door."

So it was that Josh occupied his days supervising staff and working his way through the "What a Shame" files with Donna.  He thanked God every day for Donna.  Her foresight in maintaining the files was one of the few things keeping him tethered to his job.  In dealing with real issues that he'd previously had to abandon for lack of time and energy, he was still making a substantive contribution.  Unfortunately, when Donna was not present, Josh had a tougher time remembering to believe that he was performing any useful function.  

The problem was not merely that Josh was in the doghouse with Leo.  This went way beyond that.  Leo had displayed a total lack of confidence in Josh's competence.  It was a serious blow to his professional credibility.  In his younger days, Josh's ego would have easily compensated.  At present, the small niggling fear that Josh was a failure grew to almost overwhelming certainty.  Therefore, he walked the halls.  If he couldn't feel confident, at least if he looked competent people would believe that he was.  And maybe some of that belief would rub off on him.  There had to be a reason that he was hanging on.  He offered a silent prayer.  "Please, God, give me a reason."  None was immediately forthcoming.

As if thoughts of Leo weren't depressing enough, Josh began to remember the last time he'd been with another significant person in his life: Amy.  Amy had certainly seen no reason to hang on.  Josh had always known that theirs was a relationship of convenience, not permanence.  It was a welcome pleasure to bury himself within the embrace of a warm, caring woman at the end of a stressful day.  Unfortunately, Josh and Amy's complicated relationship was often itself a source of stress, especially lately. 

Josh's intern, Ryan, had once asked Josh about his relationship with Amy: was she his girlfriend or what?  Josh didn't know the answer.  He wondered if Amy knew.  When he'd asked her, she'd declined to answer.  That action, in itself, was his answer, although Josh refused to see it at the time.  Later, in private, he'd pressed her on the issue.

"So, you never answered my question.  What are we?"

Amy frowned.  "Josh, why are you doing this?"

He began to pace, waving his hands as he spoke.  "It's a simple enough question.  I'd like to hear your answer."

Amy stared quietly until Josh came to a stop in front of her.  Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke.  "I think that you already know the answer to that question.  Do I really have to be the one who says it?"

Josh mutely returned her stare, refusing to admit the truth.

She kissed him gently on the cheek then stepped back.  "What we are, is over."

Josh's heart broke as she turned and walked out the door.  He wanted to hate her, to berate her for being a fair weather friend, for leaving when things got tough.  But truthfully, he didn't know why she'd stayed as long as she had.  Everyone he loved left him eventually.  It was only a question of when.

Amy left.  Sam left.  Leo had all but abandoned him.  Josh feared that Donna would be the next to go.  Was her assignment with Angela going to take her away from Josh permanently?  His breath caught in his throat at the possibility.

*****

Josh's footsteps slowed as he wallowed in his current bout of self pity.  Despite his conviction that he was a nonentity and that no one would take notice of his comings and goings, more than a few people, Toby among them, watched with growing concern.

The White House Director of Communications decided to involve himself after noting Josh pass by his office for the sixth time in the past half hour.  He called out, "Josh, would you mind stepping into my office?"

Josh was more than happy to take advantage of the distraction offered by Toby's request.  "Sure.  What's up?"

Toby shook his head.  "Well, obviously not you."

Josh just stared, uncomprehending.

Toby continued, "I understand that your current position as White House Whipping Boy is an uncomfortable one.  I just thought that you should know that I know.  It's kind of, you know, obvious."

Josh shrugged.  "Okay."

Josh's air of disinterest was not what Toby was looking for.  He tried again.  "What I mean is, when I see you wandering aimlessly through the hallways..."

Josh interrupted, "I was not wandering aimlessly . . ."

Toby continued speaking over Josh's interruption.  "... aimlessly, without purpose, I cannot help but think of the impression that is being conveyed to the rest of the White House staff."

Josh objected.  "The rest of the White House staff seems to have forgotten my existence."

Toby responded, "Unfortunately, I am presently all too aware of your existence.  I couldn't help but be aware of the fact that you've walked past my door half a dozen times in the past hour.  You're not doing a very good job of convincing me that you're invisible.  Neither am I led to believe that you are performing any useful function.  As White House Deputy Chief of Staff, you might want to work a little on the image that you present."

Josh gave a snort of derision.  "I'm Deputy Chief of Staff in name only.  While you're being so observant, you should have noticed that part of what used to be my job is now being done by someone else."

"And Leo left you with nothing to do?  Why do I find that impossible to believe?  Maybe because it's not true?  So Leo reassigned some of your work.  Get over it.  As difficult as it may be for you to believe at the present time, people will some day in the hopefully not too distant future be able to forget the actions that caused you to be declared persona non grata.  You'd better make sure that you still have a job when they do."

Josh blinked then turned to Toby with a half-smile.  "Toby, if I didn't know any better I'd say that, in your own twisted little way, you were trying to be nice to me."

Toby looked down at his desk, needlessly shuffling papers as he cleared his throat.  "Hm.  It's a good thing that you know me better than that."  Toby began to pace.  "Actually, I was trying to let you know that we need you back as part of the senior staff.  Believe me, your absence is quite noticeable in the morning briefings."  Toby waved his arms as he spoke, venting a little of the frustration that he was feeling.  "Leo is trying to steer the President down the middle of the road.  In the words of Robert Frost, 'The middle of the road is where the white line is - and that's the worst place to drive.'  Any time I try to suggest a show of independent thought I get shouted down.  Everyone seems to have forgotten that we were going to 'let Bartlet be Bartlet.'  Hell, this is our last four-year term.  I thought that the idea was to try to accomplish something of what we originally wanted to do in terms of a political agenda."

"Leo seems to be embracing the idea that we need to keep our heads down so that no one takes any more shots at us."  Toby paused to slap a hand against the top of his desk, emphasizing his words.  "That was never part of our strategy.  I need you back in the game so that mine is not the sole voice of reason.  Whatever you have to do to make this right, do it, even if it involves getting down on your knees and spit-shining Leo's shoes!"

Josh shook his head, partially in disbelief at the rare display of emotion on Toby's part, and partially in disagreement with the statement itself.  "As much as I'm sure the sight of me on my knees in front of Leo would make your day, I'm afraid that's not going to work.  Leo has made it quite clear to me where I stand.  And that's as far away from him as possible without actually being in the unemployment line."  Josh's smile did little to hide the sadness in his eyes.  "Thanks for trying."  He turned and headed out Toby's door.  He paused at the threshold and he turned back to Toby.  "Really, thank you."  He gently tapped the doorjamb with a fisted hand.  "It means a lot."

Toby took a moment to clear his throat.  He could think of nothing further to say.

Josh exited the room, his steady stride a measure of his increased confidence.   Toby was as impartial a judge as Josh could hope for.  And Toby believed in Josh.  In his grumpy, no-nonsense way, Toby had provided a reason for Josh to hang on.  For today, for this hour, for this minute, it was enough.

*****

~end      


End file.
